scatterbrained

So... people have been bugging me that I haven't written a post in a while. This statement is incorrect. In fact, I have written about FIVE posts, it's just that I left them all in draft mode because I didn't think they would actually interest you. ;)

So... it's summer. Which to most people it is a good thing but to me it is the scariest thing in the world. I am leaving in 29 days. Yes, I will admit... I am scared to death. I'm going to be gone for forever. And that scares me. It scares me more than the last time that I left. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've been out of high school for a year now and I've gotten a real taste of how hard life can be and I know that I'm fixing to do the most challenging thing of my entire life. I don't want to leave, I would do anything to stay home. And at the same time, I want my life to count, I want my life to mean something. I don't want it to fade into nothingness.

I made a couple of careless but costly mistakes over the past weekend and I just want to tell y'all again, that I am very sorry. Marin... I never meant to make you worry. I promise that I'll feel like shit forever... because when we were all sitting together at home tonight I realized how worried I would be if I hadn't talked to you and you didn't come home. Girl, you are my sister in every way and I screwed up. I'm sorry. Michelle... I don't know how or why you put up with all my craziness and my stupidity. But I'm really glad that you do. I'm sorry I didn't see you. I really am. I cried all the way to church and when I got there people looked at me like I was a nutcase. I really miss you so much and I promise that I will see you very very soon. Mrs. Nelson, Owen, Bobby, you guys are my family and I love y'all more than anything else in the entire world. I hope that you know that and that I am sorry. I love all you guys.

I hurt somebody. I always hated people like myself... and now I am what I hate. Why? I don't know. I've dug myself into a hole that I can't get myself out of and I don't know what to do. If life is really such an ongoing struggle why do so many people keep living it if they truly believe that there is something BETTER after they die? hmmm... i don't know........

so i'm really tempted not to post this.
dude.
im really tired.
and i have SO much more to write.
so.
whatever.
goooooooooodnight (: