i decided i need a happy post :)

Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin
In the lane, snow is glistenin
A beatiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walkin in a winter wonderland

Oh my God it is so cold. Like 8 degrees. No joke. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... I have a Chem test today which I have been studying for for like the past couple of days... straight. Hopefully I do well as long as I can keep all the methyls and butanes and affinities and electronegativies and radiis straight. :-P *breaks into desperate prayer for a new brain* lol. But yeah... life is pretty good. I didn't really feel like coming back but everything's going pretty well considering. Tomorrow we have to be formed up by like 0500 and have some "remedial training" until like 0800 and then we're free. :) I'm probably just gonna hang out here all weekend, sleep, chill, and study Calculus..... yaaaaaaay.... I can at least PRETEND like I know what I'm doing, right? :-P

I go home for Christmas in 18 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The plan is to work (hopefully a lot), spend lots and lots of time with my friends, see my sister, hopefully go to Arizona with the Nelson's :), relax, get warm! (haha), and maybe get a new tattoo or go on a trip or something exciting like that lol ;) Should be a good break. I can't wait.

Thanksgiving break was awesome. I slept a LOT, hung out with Marin and Julie and Shane and Jenna and ate waaaaaay too much. :-P

I remembered all the good times, all the laughs had with friends. All, the late crazy nights. I've looked forward to this week for months. But I didn't know how much it would hurt. I never imagined the lonely nights with tears streaming down my face. I can't sleep. I am staring at my phone and there is no one to call. I want this all to be over... forever. I don't even know what I'm saying. I never imagined that so much supressed pain would hit me... all at once. ...i was supposed to be stronger than this... I can't do it anymo re. All I want is for this pain to be gone. ...I can't do this anymore.

I am so tired of being alone... It scares me to death and I don't know why.
I dont want to be strong anymore.
I want a mom.
I want........ but it doesn't matter.
It will never go away. It's kinda like being afraid of the dark. It'll never go away.

just breathe

wipe the tears from my eyes
dont let me struggle in vain...

I am so stressed out... i took this "stress test" in psychology that tested your typical stress level based on what you do and what you worry about. I guess I kinda worry a lot... because I got a totally awesome 46, out of 50 :) yay.

This place is driving me crazy. I feel so stuck, and I can't get out. I'm so sick of all of this shit... I just want to go home... i want to belong somewhere. Right now I don't belong anywhere... maybe I never will...