My Own Shepherd?

I am my own shepherd. I am always in need.
I stumble from mall to mall and shrink to shrink, seeking relief but never finding it.
I creep through the valley of the shadow of death and fall apart.
I fear everything from pesticides to power lines, and I’m starting to act like my mother.
I go down to the weekly staff meeting and am surrounded by enemies.
I go home, and even my goldfish scowls at me.
I anoint my headache with extra-strength Tylenol.
My Jack Daniel’s runneth over.Surely misery and misfortune will follow me, and I will live in self-doubt for the rest of my lonely life.


(taken from the book Travelling Light by Max Lucado..... an awesome read!)

dizzy

So much running through my head.

I wish that I could be a better Christian. I long for that close relationship with God that it seems that everyone has but me. They are all so happy and content and cared for. My reputation at work is so screwed. How do I show them that I am different? I feel like I cannot mention God because I do not want to tarnish His Holy name with my bad reputation.

I want to be a better girlfriend to Matt. But I don't know how. In all my other relationships with guys, they all expected something of me. And Matt doesn't. And I don't know what to do. Please pray for me guys..............

I want a purpose.
I want to find my place in this world.

me and Matt :)

pArtY tIMe!!

Happy 19th Birthday Marin!!!!!!!!

87 balloons. ;-)

Waaaaaaaay too many streamers.

Being attacked by giant ladders.

yummmmmmy cake :)

Catch phrase... "you know that THING..."

Crazy friends.

dANcIng!

Not being able to "salsa", haha.

Universal remote controls that don't work on parents.

One of the coolest people in the world.

I love you Marin!!

*pictures to come*......................

First Day of School

Nippy Cold. It's dark outside, and I'm trying to remember when the last time was that I was actually up early enough to see the sunrise. I throw on some makeup and grab my backpack, gym bag, and keys as I head out. As I drive to school I think about just how excited I am to be getting back into school. Even if I'm not going to a big school on a nice scholarship it's still SCHOOL and I am sure that this is where God has me right now. I'm proud of myself for changing and for not completely forgetting how to dream.

Intro to Psych - I guess I can't really totally evaluate a class based on syllabus day but... any teacher that's 10 minutes late to class and then spend the next 20 minutes excusing herself for being late and complaining about parking... yeah, haha. Make up your own mind about her. I actually walked out of her class after I got the syllabus because I really felt like I was wasting my time..... and Matt came to see me at school. :) awwwwwwwww

US History 1 - Matt and I hung out for a little bit before we went to history class. He wanted to sit in on the class with me because he'd had my teacher three times when he was going to SAC so they're like buddies by now, haha. Pretty funny guy. He's going to be challenging which is something that I'm actually really pumped about.

College Algebra - Hilarious old guy that looks like Albert Einstein and has been teaching for 40 years. It doesn't look like it will be too hard if I pay attention but I'm really going to love his class. Crazy awesome dude. The only thing about this class that MIGHT get annoying = the stupid girl that was trying to argue with the professor the whole time and prove that she was right and he was wrong. Real smart. Prove that the math teacher of 40 years doesn't know the basics of math... and you do? stupid girl, entertaining at first... very obnoxious to come. Like she was trying to prove 0 isn't a number. PLEASE. Go back to kindergarten.

Freshman Composition 2 - Basically a literature class with an a 3-5 page author paper and a major term paper on a subject of our choice. Hmmm, what should I write about? I want it to be something GOOD. The teacher is kinda wacky. I couldn't totally read her from syllabus day today but she's pretty hardcore with a million degrees and a cheerleader attitude (just to put a little spin on it, lol). Probably won't be my favorite class but I'm hoping that I'll learn a lot.

Soooooo.... looks like it's gonna be a good year. Now I just need to get my parking thingy and my school books. Fun stuff.

School got out at 1:30... I went and tanned, went home and went running and worked out, then off to work where I closed, so I just got home a little bit ago. Not much work over the weekend so I'm excited. Looking forward to hanging out with Matt and throwing Marin's 19th birthday party... then church on Sunday. Should be a good weekend :)

timid excitement

I had one of the best weekends of my life. I picked my Baby up from the airport on Sunday night and got to spend a lot of time hanging out with him and his roommates. We really just chilled - played video games (frogger and pacman... HAHA), watched movies, ran around, and went grocery shopping. Oh yeah, and rearranged the apartment so now they all "look smart" cause of the bookshelf in the living room. I had a lot of fun. :) So.......... I'm really excited. I don't want to get too excited. I don't want to jinx anything and I don't want anything to go wrong. I really like this guy and I'm so excited about hanging out with him and getting to know him better. Maybe... just maybe... he won't turn out like all the other jerks I've ever dated... I think I'm having a good feeling about this one ;-)

Everything is covered in ice. Kinda cool... makes for some crazy driving. ;-) So... school was cancelled. And I just decided to screw work. Yeah. So Thursday will be my first day at school if this craZAY weather is outta here. It's looking like it's going to be a very good semester. What else could I ask for?

So... it may seem like this song has nothing to do with nothing but it has a LOT to do with one of the longest weeks of my life. Last Tuesday it played on the radio a million times on my looooong drive. It just seemed perfect. Those of you that know me, know what I'm talking about. God's grace is amazing.

2006

2006. It was definitely the craziest, busiest, most amazing, hardest, most stressful, most trying year of my entire life. There are tears in my eyes just thinking back over all of the memories. How do I sum up so much in a blank white box? I grew up over night. I experienced life, love, loss, pain... I made a million mistakes and I learned that no matter what I do God will never be finished with me.

I started my year off laying on my back, doped up on vicadin with my leg in a machine for 9 hours a day. I had just come out of ACL surgery on my right knee from a soccer injury and I spent the first few months of my new year doing 3-4 hours of therapy every day. I got to know Aaron and Abby, my physical therapists, who were the biggest encouragers I had ever known.

College applications. Wow. January through March were all about the Air Force and getting into the United States Air Force Academy. I had a lot of set backs with my knee but with a lot of pain and perseverance, sweat and tears, I completed a physical fitness test for USAFA just 7 weeks after surgery. Pain brought on a new meaning for me. I learned what it meant for God to carry you because I could never have run that on my own. In March, I learned that I had been accepted in the United States Air Force Academy. It had been my lifelong dream and I was ecstatic. I went to Freshman orientation at USAFA in April and came home really pumped up about the new life which I was about to start.

Up through graduation, I devoted a lot of my time to school, physical therapy, and my part-time job at the Bulverde Library where I worked for 1 year. I hung out with my friends quite a bit and spent a lot of time with Lauren - my best friend at the time, and Caleb, Luke, and Aaron - 3 of the coolest guys in the world that adopted me as their big sister. :-) I also started to get a lot closer to my siblings and especially my little brothers, Isaac and Aaron. I was realizing that I was leaving and just how much I was going to miss them.

My life started to turn upside down at the beginning of May. Due to some family problems at my house, my sister and I moved out of our house and lived with the Fuller family for a couple of weeks. While we were staying at their house, I turned 18. It was the most difficult birthday I had ever celebrated. I remember trying to hold back tears in the back of the car. Tears because I wished that everything could be different and tears because I didn't really understand the love that the Fuller family was showing to me. After a lot of counselling and praying, Michelle and I moved back home on May 18th, 2 days before our scheduled graduation.

Graduation was awesome and one of the most special times of my life. Everyone was so happy and everything was so right. All of my family and friends were there. A Lt. Col. From the Air Force Academy was there to present my with my Appointment, my grandparents were there, everyone was crying. I graduated with Michelle and my cousin Caleb. It was a day that I will never forget...

Less than a week later I left home and swore that I would never go back. Some of my family stayed in Dallas for almost a week and I flew back to San Antonio by myself to take care of some medical tests for USAFA. Marin picked me up at the airport. I was so shaken, so scared, and so not sure of anything anymore. And Marin was awesome... like she always is. We went to eat at Chili's and talked for a really long time. (Marin... wow, you really are the most special friend that anyone could have. Thank you for always being there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. Thank you for always pointing me to God. I love you so, so much.) The next couple of weeks were crazy. I was so lost but I didn't really care. God gave me and Michelle the Millsap family who let us stay with them for a few weeks while we were trying to figure everything out and looking for an apartment. Guys, I really don't think I will ever be able to tell y'all just how much you mean to me. Y'all never showed us anything but love. You were the angels that God sent to us to love us and you did that so well. I owe you all an unrepayable debt.

Michelle and I moved into an apartment mid-June. I loved living with her and I thank her for putting up with me even though I drove her crazy sometimes and pushed her to threaten to kick me out. ;-) I was with my boyfriend Shane 24/7. We seriously did everything together and even though it didn't work out I know that God had us in each other's lives for a reason. I realize now that I was waaaay too immature to have a boyfriend at that time but I guess that's part of growing up.

On June 27th I flew to the United States Air Force Academy to start my basic training. I was sworn into the United States Air Force on the 28th day of June, 2006 and started the hard and greuling process of basic training. About a week later and 5 or 6 visits to the medical clinic due to my knees, I was given a medical turnback. My heart was torn as our bus pulled away from the Academy and I watched out the back window for as long as I could, seeing my dream fade away.

The rest of my summer was spent with Shane, watching movies, late-night Walmart runs with Julie, staying up way too late, and not really wanting to grow up and take responsibility for anything. I got a job at Whataburger... for about a week. Yeah, that sucked. Never ever work fast food, it's not cool. I had had a lingering cold almost all summer but in July I started to get really sick. I couldn't swallow and I didn't have strength to really do anything at all. I had Mono. Everything started to go downhill from there. I couldn't really see God in my life at all. I had quit going to church long before that. My boyfriend and I broke up. Looking back, I was a pretty sucky friend to have... and even a worse sister. Sorry Michelle. I really do love u ;-). SO yeah, life pretty much sucked and I really wanted a change.... so, I moved to Dallas in August. Over the summer I had gotten involved in a lot of things that I shouldn't have and in Dallas, away from any good peers and everything that I knew, with no accountability, everything just escalated. With all of the stresses on my life over the summer, instead of turning to God, I had turned to smoking and alcohol and all of that was starting to catch up with me. I wanted to change but I didn't know how. I moved back to San Antonio and lived by myself for about a month. I didn't want to deal with my life, so I didn't. I went to parties. I chain-smoked. I got drunk every night. Nothing mattered anymore. More problems came up at my house and my mom and little brother both moved in with me for about a week. When my mom moved back home my brother lived with me for another few weeks before he moved home. There were a lot more problems at home and my lease ran out. I started realizing that I needed to actually start getting my life back in order.

At the beginning of October the Nelson family took me in to live with them. I was taken in as a daughter and a sister and I have always been treated as a part of the family, even when I didn't deserve it... at all. It really reminds me of this verse...

Matthew 25:35-40 "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.' Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?' And the king will answer them, "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.'"

God's grace is amazing, that's really all that I can say. I started working 35-40 hours a week at HEB, going back to church, and trying to hang out with different friends. Marin's fiance, Bobby, is a karate instructor at AMA and they started inviting me to come to afterhours. Karate has seriously been the most refreshing and amazing experience of my life. Bobby and Marin, I know that y'all have really poured a lot of love, time, and energy into me. I'm sorry for letting y'all down so many times but really, thank you for everything that y'all have down for me. You mean the world to me, I hope that you know that.

Over the past few months I've screwed up a lot. But through it all, I've also really grown a lot. I'v realized just how much God loves me and how much He wants me to be WHOLELY devoted to Him and His work. I have learned a lot about consequences but also a lot about His grace. I lived a really empty life for a really long time. I was not only letting down all the people that were trying to show me God's love, but I was letting down myself by not being everything that God has made me to be. I've learned that it's never too late to start over. I've learned a lot about fresh starts.

God, thank You for a New Year. Thank You for Your unconditional love and forgiveness. Thank You for a fresh start. 1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." God, thank You for cleansing me and for making me white as snow. I want nothing more than to live a happy, fulfilled life for You. Wherever You want me to go, whatever You want me to do, whoever You want me to be, I will do it because I know now more than ever before that living my life for You is the only thing that will ever truly and completely fulfill me. Thank you for 2007. Thank You for the work that You are going to do in me and through me!

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29: 11-13

2006 has definitely been a whirlwind. 2007....... wow! There are a lot of things that I have no control over... I don't know what's going to happen with my family. I really don't know what direction God wants me to go in but I do know that I'm actively seraching. In 2007 I'm gonna be working, going to school, spending time with Matt, and any other crazy adventures that God has planned for me. :-) I'm really excited... I really am. I'll keep you posted ;-)...