a million miles an hour

Anxious.
I pace back and forth.
I ask why.
I don't understand.
Can't concentrate.
So I run.
Farther and farther.
Faster and faster.
Until I cannot run any further.
So I study.
Until I feel like my brain will explode.
I lift weights.
Until i cannot feel the pain in my arms.
I pace.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
I am exhausted... I just want to sleep.
But I can't.
I am fighting something.
I don't know what it is.
I don't want to know what will happen.
If it wins.
I pace back and forth.
My head, it's pounding.
Exhausted.
I wonder if I can keep going.
This struggle is tearing me apart.
I want to fall.
I want to rest in your arms.
Safe and content and happy.
Forever.
Where are you?
So far away.
I miss you.
I ache to be with you.
Forever.
...
What do I do?
I cannot let it win.
Exhausted, I collapse.
Tears... run down my face.
Uncontrollable.

me again... in a different life

I was just now scrolling through my blog, thinking that I should write but not really knowing what to write about... and then I saw the pictures that I posted. Marin. The Nelson's. Julie. Michelle. Shane. Jenna. Everyone from church... wow I miss you guys so much you have no idea. I usually never have time to actually sit down and think "wow, i miss them" but right now I do, and it really hurts. We made a lot of good memories. Michelle, Marin, Julie, Jenna - I don't think I'll ever have friends as amazing as y'all have been. I know I've kinda sucked at keeping in touch but I think about you guys allllll the time and love y'all with all of my heart! I can't wait to come home... it feels so far away...

Today was long... I had 2 tests... classes all day. We had an afternoon parade.... studied for a while. Fixing to take a test in like 2 minutes.... I'm exhausted...

To Have Succeeded

by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and love much:
To win respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give one's self;
To leave the world a little better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm
And sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived...
This is to have succeeded.

scatterbrained

So... people have been bugging me that I haven't written a post in a while. This statement is incorrect. In fact, I have written about FIVE posts, it's just that I left them all in draft mode because I didn't think they would actually interest you. ;)

So... it's summer. Which to most people it is a good thing but to me it is the scariest thing in the world. I am leaving in 29 days. Yes, I will admit... I am scared to death. I'm going to be gone for forever. And that scares me. It scares me more than the last time that I left. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've been out of high school for a year now and I've gotten a real taste of how hard life can be and I know that I'm fixing to do the most challenging thing of my entire life. I don't want to leave, I would do anything to stay home. And at the same time, I want my life to count, I want my life to mean something. I don't want it to fade into nothingness.

I made a couple of careless but costly mistakes over the past weekend and I just want to tell y'all again, that I am very sorry. Marin... I never meant to make you worry. I promise that I'll feel like shit forever... because when we were all sitting together at home tonight I realized how worried I would be if I hadn't talked to you and you didn't come home. Girl, you are my sister in every way and I screwed up. I'm sorry. Michelle... I don't know how or why you put up with all my craziness and my stupidity. But I'm really glad that you do. I'm sorry I didn't see you. I really am. I cried all the way to church and when I got there people looked at me like I was a nutcase. I really miss you so much and I promise that I will see you very very soon. Mrs. Nelson, Owen, Bobby, you guys are my family and I love y'all more than anything else in the entire world. I hope that you know that and that I am sorry. I love all you guys.

I hurt somebody. I always hated people like myself... and now I am what I hate. Why? I don't know. I've dug myself into a hole that I can't get myself out of and I don't know what to do. If life is really such an ongoing struggle why do so many people keep living it if they truly believe that there is something BETTER after they die? hmmm... i don't know........

so i'm really tempted not to post this.
dude.
im really tired.
and i have SO much more to write.
so.
whatever.
goooooooooodnight (:

it was a different world

...two weeks ago.
And now, my life has changed. So much that I don't really know where to start. Everything is different: my job, my school, my future, the people in my life I care about... The past two weeks have been amazing, fun, exciting, challenging, stressful, exhausting. I'm worn out and I pray that God would refresh me.

Things are...completely over with my latest boyfriend. I made a lot of mistakes for which I am eternally sorry. I wish that we could still be friends but I guess that's in God's hands. God always knows best and soemtimes He does things that we don't understand so I'm just trusting Him.

2 weeks ago today I got to spend time with someone I hadn't realy spent time with since August. Someone that I pray for and think about everyday and hope that maybe someday... God would bless me with a miracle. Sweetie, I never stopped loving you. No matter what, you'll always be a very special part of my life. I pray that God blesses you in everything you do and that He always draw you closer to Himself. I pray that He would protect you as you protect our nation. Do your duty, kick ass, and come home safe. You're in all of our prayers.

I made the long struggled with decision to return to the United States Air Force Academy on June 27, 2007. I realized that that is who I am. I can't try to be someone else and even if maybe life was "funner" if I didn't go back I know that I would regret it everyday. It's going to be a difficult challenge but I know that God will pull me through it.

I got to hang out with Michelle a LOT when she came down for Easter break. Sis, I love you SO SO much. I really do. Like you'll never even know. Michelle went with me down to Corpus Christi where I took care of a bunch of stuff that had been hanging over me. I'm FREEEEE now and let me tell you it feels SO good. :)

I was hired on Friday to work at River Crossing Golf Club as a waitress. :) Dude, I'm really excited. I did training yesterday morning on the beverage cart. That job is going to be completely kick ass. So this means that I will no longer be an HEB slave. I've been there for over 6 months (and yes i DID just get a raise) but I just really couldn't stand the work there anymore. I still have to work there this week but after that I am totally a River Crossing girl. I'm excited!

And other than all that, I've been staying up until ungodly hours of the night studying and working on papers. Which is what I'm fixing to start doing right now... only a few more weeks of school... hopefully I can make it. I have a BIG test in history tomorrow (which will decide whether or not I stay in or have to drop the class - PRAY FOR ME!!!!!) and a major term paper due on Thursday. So I am off to study. :)

what i do at 3am

So yeah, it's almost 3. And I am just now printing up a Psychology summary paper that I did on marijuana and the brain. The paper sucks but at least I got it done. I am usually not so mediocre toward my school work but I guess that's what never getting sleep and working on freaking Psychology at 3am does to you. I probably would have done a better job on my marijuana paper if I was high. jk jk.


In other news...


Shane's been home... and I have had so much fun hanging out with him. I don't want him to leave but I'm so proud of what he's doing... ♥ I love army boys ♥

sooo.

I sent in all of my paperwork.

Which means I am waiting for a couple of different clearance letters but unless there are some unforeseen glitches then I will once again became Basic Cadet Martinez as of June 28. 2007. I'm getting excited....... and I'm getting prepared this time, like hardcore. I even have a personal trainer :). It's soon. I'm really scared. So much more than last time. But I'm also really excited.

i travel far away, and dream my destiny

Rules only hold us down if we let them.
Be who you dream of being.

Don't let your society shape you... shape your society.

Dream your own destiny.
And let it fly away.

So... I have definitely not been living in the present lately. And it has been so freaking amazing. I have flown away into the past and changed a destiny that was written in stone.
You have to dictate you


.....i am loooooooooooking for a good song.........