me again... in a different life

I was just now scrolling through my blog, thinking that I should write but not really knowing what to write about... and then I saw the pictures that I posted. Marin. The Nelson's. Julie. Michelle. Shane. Jenna. Everyone from church... wow I miss you guys so much you have no idea. I usually never have time to actually sit down and think "wow, i miss them" but right now I do, and it really hurts. We made a lot of good memories. Michelle, Marin, Julie, Jenna - I don't think I'll ever have friends as amazing as y'all have been. I know I've kinda sucked at keeping in touch but I think about you guys allllll the time and love y'all with all of my heart! I can't wait to come home... it feels so far away...

Today was long... I had 2 tests... classes all day. We had an afternoon parade.... studied for a while. Fixing to take a test in like 2 minutes.... I'm exhausted...

To Have Succeeded

by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and love much:
To win respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To give one's self;
To leave the world a little better,
Whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch,
Or redeemed social condition;
To have played and laughed with enthusiasm
And sung with exultation;
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived...
This is to have succeeded.

scatterbrained

So... people have been bugging me that I haven't written a post in a while. This statement is incorrect. In fact, I have written about FIVE posts, it's just that I left them all in draft mode because I didn't think they would actually interest you. ;)

So... it's summer. Which to most people it is a good thing but to me it is the scariest thing in the world. I am leaving in 29 days. Yes, I will admit... I am scared to death. I'm going to be gone for forever. And that scares me. It scares me more than the last time that I left. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I've been out of high school for a year now and I've gotten a real taste of how hard life can be and I know that I'm fixing to do the most challenging thing of my entire life. I don't want to leave, I would do anything to stay home. And at the same time, I want my life to count, I want my life to mean something. I don't want it to fade into nothingness.

I made a couple of careless but costly mistakes over the past weekend and I just want to tell y'all again, that I am very sorry. Marin... I never meant to make you worry. I promise that I'll feel like shit forever... because when we were all sitting together at home tonight I realized how worried I would be if I hadn't talked to you and you didn't come home. Girl, you are my sister in every way and I screwed up. I'm sorry. Michelle... I don't know how or why you put up with all my craziness and my stupidity. But I'm really glad that you do. I'm sorry I didn't see you. I really am. I cried all the way to church and when I got there people looked at me like I was a nutcase. I really miss you so much and I promise that I will see you very very soon. Mrs. Nelson, Owen, Bobby, you guys are my family and I love y'all more than anything else in the entire world. I hope that you know that and that I am sorry. I love all you guys.

I hurt somebody. I always hated people like myself... and now I am what I hate. Why? I don't know. I've dug myself into a hole that I can't get myself out of and I don't know what to do. If life is really such an ongoing struggle why do so many people keep living it if they truly believe that there is something BETTER after they die? hmmm... i don't know........

so i'm really tempted not to post this.
dude.
im really tired.
and i have SO much more to write.
so.
whatever.
goooooooooodnight (:

it was a different world

...two weeks ago.
And now, my life has changed. So much that I don't really know where to start. Everything is different: my job, my school, my future, the people in my life I care about... The past two weeks have been amazing, fun, exciting, challenging, stressful, exhausting. I'm worn out and I pray that God would refresh me.

Things are...completely over with my latest boyfriend. I made a lot of mistakes for which I am eternally sorry. I wish that we could still be friends but I guess that's in God's hands. God always knows best and soemtimes He does things that we don't understand so I'm just trusting Him.

2 weeks ago today I got to spend time with someone I hadn't realy spent time with since August. Someone that I pray for and think about everyday and hope that maybe someday... God would bless me with a miracle. Sweetie, I never stopped loving you. No matter what, you'll always be a very special part of my life. I pray that God blesses you in everything you do and that He always draw you closer to Himself. I pray that He would protect you as you protect our nation. Do your duty, kick ass, and come home safe. You're in all of our prayers.

I made the long struggled with decision to return to the United States Air Force Academy on June 27, 2007. I realized that that is who I am. I can't try to be someone else and even if maybe life was "funner" if I didn't go back I know that I would regret it everyday. It's going to be a difficult challenge but I know that God will pull me through it.

I got to hang out with Michelle a LOT when she came down for Easter break. Sis, I love you SO SO much. I really do. Like you'll never even know. Michelle went with me down to Corpus Christi where I took care of a bunch of stuff that had been hanging over me. I'm FREEEEE now and let me tell you it feels SO good. :)

I was hired on Friday to work at River Crossing Golf Club as a waitress. :) Dude, I'm really excited. I did training yesterday morning on the beverage cart. That job is going to be completely kick ass. So this means that I will no longer be an HEB slave. I've been there for over 6 months (and yes i DID just get a raise) but I just really couldn't stand the work there anymore. I still have to work there this week but after that I am totally a River Crossing girl. I'm excited!

And other than all that, I've been staying up until ungodly hours of the night studying and working on papers. Which is what I'm fixing to start doing right now... only a few more weeks of school... hopefully I can make it. I have a BIG test in history tomorrow (which will decide whether or not I stay in or have to drop the class - PRAY FOR ME!!!!!) and a major term paper due on Thursday. So I am off to study. :)

what i do at 3am

So yeah, it's almost 3. And I am just now printing up a Psychology summary paper that I did on marijuana and the brain. The paper sucks but at least I got it done. I am usually not so mediocre toward my school work but I guess that's what never getting sleep and working on freaking Psychology at 3am does to you. I probably would have done a better job on my marijuana paper if I was high. jk jk.


In other news...


Shane's been home... and I have had so much fun hanging out with him. I don't want him to leave but I'm so proud of what he's doing... ♥ I love army boys ♥

sooo.

I sent in all of my paperwork.

Which means I am waiting for a couple of different clearance letters but unless there are some unforeseen glitches then I will once again became Basic Cadet Martinez as of June 28. 2007. I'm getting excited....... and I'm getting prepared this time, like hardcore. I even have a personal trainer :). It's soon. I'm really scared. So much more than last time. But I'm also really excited.

i travel far away, and dream my destiny

Rules only hold us down if we let them.
Be who you dream of being.

Don't let your society shape you... shape your society.

Dream your own destiny.
And let it fly away.

So... I have definitely not been living in the present lately. And it has been so freaking amazing. I have flown away into the past and changed a destiny that was written in stone.
You have to dictate you


.....i am loooooooooooking for a good song.........

spring break......

I guess I have kinda been putting off a post for... yeah.... a little while. But it seems that photo posts from spring break are now the thing to do, so I guess I will accomodate ;).

Spring break was really good. And the week after spring break really sucked, but I have been educated (by people much more experienced than myself) that life after spring break is SUPPOSED to suck. So I guess it's all good after all. Perfect balance. ;)


South Padre Island

We had lots of fun just chillin on Coca Cola beach with all of the crazy people, haha. We played some soccer which was crazy fun and Marin totally owned. :P. We got lots of free stuff (yay!), went to all of the funny stands, and got to see some very.... entertaing?... games, lol. We were very mean to all of the hot-bodied guys (whose brains were definitely NOT in their head btw). Chilled in the hot tub. Swam and boogie-boarded in the way too freezing water. Got proposed to LOL. (I'll marry you!! No questions asked!!) ...yeah, it was cool :)...

riding the bull at the Army stand was for sure great fun even though I somehow managed to get my hand stuck in the rope and sprain my thumb I was able to hold on for a little while.

Me and Marin did push ups at the army stand to get free chairs. Which we carried around all proud of ourselves until we saw a couple of little bitches walking around... and THEY had chairs too! Stupid b's probably didn't do any more than 2 pushups... maybe. Stupid Army.


Us all eating out on Saturday night after a long & fun day on the beach. Cute picture! I love you guys so much. :)


Retreat

(i know the picture sucks but I have to get some good ones from the church then I'll replace them :)) ....Wow. It was so refreshing. I loved it. I got the chance to meet 2 really neat Christian girls - Rachelle and Kelsey, get to know Brooke and Abby better, and of course LOVED hanging out with one of my best friends Julie. :) The Speaker was really good, the topic was "In His Image", it was revolutionary. I pray that GOd takes what I learned on that one shorts weekend and use it to revolutionize my life. My heart's greatest desire is to mature as a Christian. I love these women and it's kinda scary and I don't really feel qualified to talk with them and be friends with them but I want to so much. It's scary and exciting as I transition from a girl & a follower to try to transition to being a women and a Christian leader in my church and my community. My prayer is that as I mature in my Christian walk with God that He would use me to have an impact on my generation.



Hanging out with Matt



I love getting to hang out with Matt. He has become one of my really good friends. We play soccer on Thursday nights out at TX State which is SO much fun and even though I'm usually horrible the co-ed game is fun. And I also love getting to watch and cheer for the *coughs* Fairies *coughs*...lol. ......and yeah... things can sometimes get kinda complicated but I know that God has put him into my life for a reason, I just don't really know what yet. My prayer is that we become best friends, that we are able to share in each other's lives, hang out with each other's friends, have fun together, and most importantly, grow in God together. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I'm excited.

So... life after Spring Break is kinda waaay stressful. Work, tests, research papers, summaries, speeches, blah blah blah. Psychology is getting very cool and I really like it.... so much so that I MAY be interested in doing like a double major in Psychology and maybe education or athletics... we'll see. I'm excited though. Also been trying to get stupid ticket crap taken care of, community service, etc... almost done with everything. This week and next week will be tough. But I just gotta thank God not only for all the fun and easy Spring Break times but also for all the hard and trying times because those are the times that He uses to grow us into the people that He has made us to be. And I'm excited to become that person!