<3 ?

Every girl wants to feel LOVED. But how do you define "feeling loved" if you don't know a strong concrete definition of love? Guys want to supply that need for love that that girl has, and they want to be loved too. But how do you love somebody else if you don't know what love is yourself?

"If you loved me then you'd have sex with me." It looks so horrible written plainly on a stark white background, but seriously, that's the mentality of so many people. Even if they are strong Christians that have the best reputations in the world, pastors, teachers, youth leaders, or respected individuals, they still fall into the same trap, the same lie. I know that I did. Our society today has so poorly defined love, and we as Christians, have just gone along with it. Love is having oral sex. Love is pleasuring the body of your boyfriend or girlfriend. Love is sleeping with your partner. Love is always being sweet, nice, beautiful, and seductive. Love is physical. If someone asked you if this was your definition of love I KNOW what you would say. You would say, "No, of course not!" But don't lie to yourself, don't lie to your boyfriend/girlfriend, don't lie to God.

Many times, a girl that has not had a loving father and has not felt that fatherly love throughout her life, wants only one thing. To be loved and feel love. But since she does not know how to define love, it often means sex. She wants so much to be loved, she would do anything to feel that someone cares, but time and time again, she just feels hurt, used, and abused. And not loved.

Sex is not bad, it's not a sin, it's not dirty. Sex is an AMAZING gift from God, but we have to use it how he has instructed us to. God made sex for 3 things: pro-creation (making babies hehe), unity, and enjoyment... between a man and the wife of his youth. God didn't create sex to be between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, for one night stands, between 2 guys or between 2 girls, but solely between a husband and a wife. Whenever we decide to have sex outside of his perfect plan for us, we get hurt and we suffer the consequences... emotionally and physically.

I've screwed up so much and I've lost something that I can never ever get back. I fought back tears as Josh McDowell said, "Guys love having sex, they love messing around with you, but if they mess around with you, I assure you, they don't want to marry you. ...Guys don't like used furniture but they love to be in the antiqueing business." Maybe it's too late. Like I know God has forgiven me and everything but if I was a guy... or if I was the family of the guy... would I want him to be in a relationship with a girl like me when he could have some amazing Christian girl that had never been impure? ...

God, I'm sorry. Guys... your friend Becca has screwed up. Learn from her mistakes. Don't do the same things that I've done.

*sneezes*

I was really sick today.
Drained.
Being drained when you're trying to write a paper = not cool.
So I mentally battled between whether or not I wanted to call-in to work and I decided I wasn't so much of a pansy that I couldn't work a lousy 4.15... so I went. And it was actually pretty good so I decided that I don't really hate my job. I just don't really LIKE it. But we have to do things we don't want to do so that we can be able to do things we DO want to do :). YEs... so work was good.
Then I went and worked out. for a little while. It felt like so good... and so weird... because of WHERE i work out. haha...
Came home and attempted to do research for my paper. The Life of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Did you know that he believed in fairies????? yeah, that's random, right? so yeah.... enjoyed talking to Marin and Mrs. Nelson for a little bit and attemted to help Marin with the floor........ so yeah.

I have to get up in like 5 hours to go to school.
Good night.

disregard... just a random rant

ok.... be ready for a really long rant. This is not actually intended for humans to read, unless of course you are like reallllllly bored or interested or whateva... ok

Today kinda pretty much sucked.
Michelle went home.
Matt didn't come to church.
Little things reminded me that we weren't together anymore and probably never would be... again. It was sad. I wanted to disappear and die.
I hate sitting by myself at church. I hate people wondering, staring, feeling sorry for me.
Probably one of the coolest things about going out with Matt was his family. I felt like I was a part of a family. I wasn't intruding or a burden. We all just hung out. I loved being with your family so much Matt, you have no idea. It's not fair that I can't have that anymore. I know that I'm being selfish but you have to understand just how much they meant to me.
I miss the Terrell family.
I miss having someone to sit with and church and feeling like I actually belong there.
I miss you calling me.
I miss being able to get through work knowing that I was going to get to see you when I got off.
I miss believing that maybe God really did have someone really special for me.
I miss .... everything about US.
I still tell everyone that I have a boyfriend. Mrs. Colby asked me today how my boyfriend was doing. I thought that she was talking about Matt but then I remembered going over to her house with Shane a long time ago so I asked her, "which one?" She kinda laughed. But she WAS talking about Shane and I almost cried because I didn't have the heart to tell her yeah.... we broke up, and I was going out with Matt.... and we just broke up too. Seriously, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

I'm sick.
It sucks.

Please pray for my grandpa. He is dying... It's hard. Really. So please pray.

I am reprioritizing and reorganizing my life.

God (church and service)
school
work
sports-working out
friends

Therefore, I need to come up with a new schedule.
Working on that........
*side note to self - I also need to set up my budget* HA.

I really want to get a new job. I am going to talk to my manager tomorrow about my hours. I am really interested in doing babysitting/child care/maybe interning at a kindergarten school or something? I dunno.... we'll see. Keep your eyes open for me.

In good news...... I'm SOOOO glad that Michelle came to see me. I got to hang out with Owen and Michelle all weekend, have breakfast with "my bros", hang out with my family, go to church and youth group, and get a new computer :) I guess that life isn't quite SO bad afterall. :)

JESUS... I LOVE YOU

this song made me cry

Rush Of Fools - Undo
From the album Rush Of Fools

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Chorus

Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Chorus

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

Chorus

I'm starting to realize something. Life isn't "fun" and it definitely isn't "easy". And it never will be. It will always be a struggle, it will always be hard and stressful, and there will always be days that we just want to quit.
Tests will never get any easier.
Guys will never become any less complicated.
People at HEB will always continue to be annoying and never unload their baskets for you.
Alarm clocks will never stop waking us up.
Cars will always eat your gas money.
Becca will always get speeding tickets, hehe.
Clothes will always wear out.
Traffic and crazy drivers will never stop being.... crazy.
Traffic lights will never stop turning red.
Food will never stop making you fat.
School will always seem like it will never end.
Managers at work will never stop messing up their schedules.
We will never stop being totally exhausted.
but.....
be happy because......
Ice cream and junk food will always make you happy.
Starbucks will always be the solution to life's problems.
Life will always be an adventure (you just have to learn to enjoy the journey).
Working out will always make you forget about all the bad stuff in life.
No matter how depressed you are, you can always find something to laugh about.
Driving with friends with windows down and radio blaring will always be the best feeling in the world.
True friends will always be there for you.
and most importantly...
God will always be GOD.
He will always be there for you, walking beside you, carrying you through the hard times. You can always rely on Him. He will always be Daddy, Alpha and Omega, our Good Shepherd, our Comforter, Our Provider, Our Light, Our Strength, Our Joy..........

My Own Shepherd?

I am my own shepherd. I am always in need.
I stumble from mall to mall and shrink to shrink, seeking relief but never finding it.
I creep through the valley of the shadow of death and fall apart.
I fear everything from pesticides to power lines, and I’m starting to act like my mother.
I go down to the weekly staff meeting and am surrounded by enemies.
I go home, and even my goldfish scowls at me.
I anoint my headache with extra-strength Tylenol.
My Jack Daniel’s runneth over.Surely misery and misfortune will follow me, and I will live in self-doubt for the rest of my lonely life.


(taken from the book Travelling Light by Max Lucado..... an awesome read!)

dizzy

So much running through my head.

I wish that I could be a better Christian. I long for that close relationship with God that it seems that everyone has but me. They are all so happy and content and cared for. My reputation at work is so screwed. How do I show them that I am different? I feel like I cannot mention God because I do not want to tarnish His Holy name with my bad reputation.

I want to be a better girlfriend to Matt. But I don't know how. In all my other relationships with guys, they all expected something of me. And Matt doesn't. And I don't know what to do. Please pray for me guys..............

I want a purpose.
I want to find my place in this world.